QUESTION… How will you live now?

by Jill Dewald

Without him. Without his body. Without his mind. Without his thoughts. Without his words. The words that stung, the words that pleased, the words I can’t forget, the words I don’t want to forget. Without his family, his sister and mother…a relief. Without his irresponsibility. Without his addictions. Without my addiction to him. Without his arms around me in bed. Without his need for me. Without the helpless, childish stare of his blue eyes. Without his love for food, for cooking, for eating, for discovering. Without his intelligence. Without his stupidity. Without his lack of thoughtfulness. Without mercy for him. Without his sense of entitlement. Without his trail of mess. Without smiling as I picked up those dirty clothes. Without the sound of him chewing with his mouth open. Without rubbing his back. Without him in bed. Without his arms. Without guilt for leaving him. Without the frustration of seeing what I want and knowing I’ll never have it. Without pain when I think of him. Without wanting what I am without.

With control. Finally.

How will I live now?
Missing him. Loving him. Remembering him. With regret.

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